fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
