last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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