I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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