Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
