Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
