You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
