remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just gift wrapped bread.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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