Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
