Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
