How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
