So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Found your dick twin last night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
