I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
