she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
