Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You need Xanax blowdarts
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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