Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
