I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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