a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
