saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
