Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
