I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
