my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
