Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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