i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
