This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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