I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
