THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
