she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
