Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
