i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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