He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
