He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
