I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
