Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's always time for handjobs
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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