i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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