the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
