turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
