Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
