someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
