guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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