Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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