Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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