Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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