I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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