Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
