He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
