turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
