i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
