So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
