i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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