Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
