I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
